What to Say When You’re Someone’s Reference, and What to Never Say
When you're someone's reference, describe work you saw firsthand: their role, specific results, how they handled deadlines and feedback, and whether you'd work with them again. Stay truthful and specific. Never guess, and never discuss their health, family, religion, or finances. You can decline any question that strays from the work.
| The belief | The reality | Verdict |
|---|---|---|
| Former employers can't legally say anything negative. | Truthful information is generally allowed. False statements are the risk. | Busted |
| The more praise, the better. | Specific examples beat superlatives every time. | Half true |
| You should answer every question the caller asks. | You can decline anything that isn't about the work. | Busted |
| Company policy doesn't apply if you're doing a favor. | Many employers limit who can give references. Check first. | Risky belief |
| "I can only confirm dates" will sink the candidate. | It won't, if you explain that it's a policy. | Mostly busted |
| A good guess beats saying "I don't know." | Speculation is the fastest way to cause harm. | Busted |
| You can't turn down a reference request. | You can, and sometimes you should. | Busted |
| If the call drifts off topic, just go along with it. | Redirect to the work, or end the call. | Busted |
What You Get Out of This
- Eight common beliefs about references, and what's actually true.
- A five part formula for a strong reference you can deliver in about a minute.
- Sample answers to the six questions reference callers ask most.
- Exact words for declining personal questions, explaining a policy, and saying no.
- A written reference template and a before and after call checklist.
- The phrases that make a reference sound vague, inflated, or risky.
- How to stay honest when your opinion of someone is mixed.
Someone you worked with just asked you to be a reference. You said yes, because of course you did. Then it hits you: you've never actually been coached on what to say, and the call could come at 4:45 on a Friday while you're halfway through something else.
Being a reference feels like a small favor, but your five minutes on the phone can tip a hiring decision. An employment attorney who discussed references in a recent video described a call that shows how fast it can go sideways. According to a Reddit post written by the reference herself, a hiring employer asked about the applicant's health, disability, church attendance, family obligations, credit, and whether she was "a moral person." The reference kept answering with the only thing she could truthfully speak to: the quality of the applicant's work. That's the whole job in one sentence, and the rest of this guide shows you how to do it well.
Which reference myths can hurt the person you're vouching for?
Former employers can't legally say anything negative.
The attorney in the video says it plainly: no law stops a former employer from sharing negative information, as long as it's true. SHRM has reported that employers can usually be truthful about issues like poor performance or attendance, and that many states give good faith references some legal protection. The real risk is a false or reckless statement, which can lead to a defamation claim.
Many companies limit references to dates and titles anyway. That's a policy choice, not a legal requirement.
The more praise, the better.
Hiring managers hear "she's amazing" all day. It's the reference version of "nice weather we're having." What they remember is the example. One concrete story about a deadline saved or a customer kept carries more weight than a stack of adjectives, and it can't fall apart under a follow up question the way an exaggeration can.
Instead of: "He's the best analyst I've ever managed." Try: "He rebuilt our weekly report so it took two hours instead of a full day, and the leadership team started relying on it."You should answer every question the caller asks.
Your job is to describe work you observed, nothing more. EEOC guidance says an employer may not ask a third party, including a former employer, any question it couldn't ask the applicant directly before an offer. You don't need to quote that rule on the call. You just need a polite way out.
"I can only speak to her work, and I'm glad to tell you more about that. On the projects we shared, she..."Company policy doesn't apply if you're just doing a favor.
Many employers designate one trained HR person to handle all references and ask everyone else to send calls their way. If you're still at the company where you worked together, check the policy before you answer. Breaking it can put you in an awkward spot with your own employer.
If your company allows it, make the distinction clear on the call.
"I'm speaking as a former colleague, based on my own experience working with her, not on behalf of the company.""I can only confirm dates" will sink the candidate.
Without context, a short answer can sound like a warning. With context, it sounds like what it is: a rule. Say so out loud, so the caller doesn't fill the silence with assumptions.
"Our policy only allows me to confirm dates and title. That's the same answer I give for everyone, so please don't read anything into it."A good guess beats saying "I don't know."
The attorney's advice is direct: no speculation, because, as she puts it, that always gets people in trouble. If you didn't see something yourself, say so. "I don't know" is an honest answer, and honest answers are what make a reference believable.
"I didn't work with him on budgets, so I can't speak to that. What I can tell you about is how he managed vendors."You can't turn down a reference request.
You can, and when you can't speak positively or you barely remember the work, you probably should. A lukewarm reference often hurts more than none at all. Think of it like lukewarm coffee: technically something, but nobody walks away happy. Decline kindly and early, so the person has time to ask someone else.
"I'm honored you asked, but I don't think I saw enough of your recent work to give you the strong reference you deserve. Someone from your current team would serve you better."If the call drifts off topic, just go along with it.
You're allowed to steer, and you're allowed to stop. If a caller keeps pushing into personal territory after you've redirected twice, it's fine to wrap up politely. Then tell the person you're vouching for what happened, since it may matter to them later.
"I think I've shared everything I can about his work. Best of luck with the search."How do you give a strong reference in about a minute?
The five part reference formula
- Relationship: how you know them and for how long.
- Role: what they were responsible for when you worked together.
- Proof: one specific example with a result.
- Growth: an honest area they've worked on, framed around progress.
- Rehire: whether you'd work with them again, and why.
"I managed Jordan for three years on our customer success team. She owned our twenty largest accounts. When a major client threatened to leave, she built a recovery plan in a week and they renewed for two more years. Early on she took on too much herself, and she got much better at delegating. I'd hire her again tomorrow."
Aim for about five minutes on the phone. If the caller wants more, offer to follow up by email so your answers stay accurate. Have the person send you a short refresher before the call: the job description, your shared dates, and two or three projects. Our guide to preparing your references includes a ready made reference brief they can send you.
Helping a friend land a job is a great feeling. Finding your own next role is even better.
Browse openings, including remote positions, on the C3H Global job board. Choose Sign up and select the C3H Explorer role to explore jobs and services in one place.
How should you answer the questions callers usually ask?
Most reference calls follow a familiar script. Knowing the questions ahead of time is the difference between a confident answer and a long "ummm." Here are the ones you're most likely to hear, with a way to answer each.
"What are their greatest strengths?"
Pick one or two strengths that match the job they're applying for, and attach an example to each.
"Two things stand out: she's calm under pressure, and she follows through. When our system went down during quarter end, she kept the client calls going and had every account updated by the next morning.""What are their weaknesses?"
Be honest, choose something real but not disqualifying, and show growth. A reference who claims there are no weaknesses sounds like a friend, not a manager.
"Early on he hesitated to ask for help and sometimes stayed late fixing things alone. Over the last year he got much better at flagging problems early.""Why did they leave?"
Stick to the reason the candidate has already shared publicly or agreed on with you. Never guess at private reasons.
"She left for a role with more responsibility, which made sense. We were sorry to see her go.""How did they handle conflict or criticism?"
Describe one situation and what they did, without naming the other person.
"When a coworker pushed back hard on her project plan, she set up a meeting, listened, and adjusted the timeline. The project shipped on schedule.""How do they compare with others in the same role?"
Avoid ranking named coworkers. Describe where they stood without pulling anyone else into the conversation.
"She was one of the people I trusted with our most demanding clients.""Would you hire them again?"
This is the question that carries the most weight, so answer it clearly. A pause or a hedge speaks louder than anything else you say.
"Without hesitation. If I had an opening on my team, I'd call him first."What if your honest opinion is mixed?
Not every colleague was a star, and you don't owe anyone a five star review you don't believe. You have three honest options:
- Focus on what's true and relevant. If they were excellent with customers but weak on paperwork, and the new job is customer facing, lead with what you saw them do well. Answer follow ups truthfully.
- Keep it factual. Confirm the role, the dates, and the responsibilities you can vouch for, and avoid opinions you can't support.
- Decline early. If you can't say anything useful and fair, tell the candidate before they list you. It's kinder than a reluctant phone call.
Whatever you choose, never stretch the truth in either direction. An inflated reference can come back on you when the new employer discovers the gap, and a needlessly harsh one can cost someone a job they could have done well.
What if they ask for a written reference?
Some employers ask for a reference by email or a short letter. The same five part formula works on paper. Keep it to a few short paragraphs, sign it with your name and title, and include a phone number in case they want to follow up. A LinkedIn recommendation can follow the same structure, and it keeps working for the person long after this job search ends.
What should you do before and after the call?
Before the call
- Ask for the job description and the projects they'd like you to mention.
- Check your employer's reference policy.
- Jot down their title, your shared dates, and two examples.
- Decide in advance which topics you won't discuss.
- Agree with the candidate on how you'll both describe why they left.
- If you miss the call, return it within a day. A slow callback can read as hesitation.
- Take the call somewhere quiet. The cereal aisle is not a great place to praise someone's leadership skills.
After the call
- Let the candidate know you spoke with the employer.
- Share the general topics the caller asked about.
- Mention any personal questions you declined, with the date.
- Note who called and when, in case it matters later.
- Ask them to tell you how it turns out.
What phrases should you avoid as a reference?
- "She's a really nice person." Kind, but it says nothing about the work.
- "He's the best I've ever worked with." Superlatives without proof sound rehearsed.
- "I think she left because of family stuff." Guesswork about private life is off limits.
- "He'd be fine, I guess." Hesitant language reads as a warning, even when you don't mean it.
- "She made about $80,000." Leave pay to the candidate unless they've asked you to confirm it.
- "Her address is on Maple Street, and her birthday is in June." Never share personal details like a home address, birth date, or Social Security number, even if the caller asks. A legitimate employer gets those from the candidate.
- "Honestly, I'd rather not say." If there's nothing you can share, explain it's a policy, not a secret.
Who and what does this article cover?
- Professional reference: A person who describes a candidate's work to a prospective employer.
- Defamation: A false statement that harms someone's reputation, the main legal risk in giving a reference.
- Qualified immunity for references: State laws that protect employers giving truthful, good faith references, with requirements that vary by state.
- Neutral reference policy: A company rule that limits references to confirming dates and job titles.
- EEOC: The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, whose guidance bars employers from asking third parties questions they couldn't ask the applicant.
- SHRM: The Society for Human Resource Management, a professional association that publishes guidance on reference practices.
Questions people ask about being a reference
How should a reference answer "what are their weaknesses"?
Name something real but not disqualifying, and describe how the person improved. Claiming they have no weaknesses makes the whole reference sound less credible.
Can a former employer give a bad reference?
Generally yes, if the information is true. False or reckless statements can lead to a defamation claim, and state laws vary. Many employers limit references to dates and titles by policy.
What questions shouldn't a reference answer?
Anything about health, disability, religion, family, finances, or personal life. EEOC guidance says employers may not ask a third party questions they couldn't ask the applicant directly.
Can I say no to being a reference?
Yes. If you can't speak positively or don't remember the work well, decline kindly and early so the person can ask someone better placed to help.
Do I need my employer's permission to give a reference?
It depends on your company's policy. Many employers route references through HR. Check before speaking about a current or former coworker from your workplace.
Where can I find my next job?
Browse openings, including remote roles, on the C3H Global job board, then choose Sign up and select the C3H Explorer role.
Job hunting yourself? Send this guide to the people you list as references. It takes them five minutes to read and turns a vague "she was great" into a reference that actually wins the job.
Where do you go from here?
Looking for work yourself?
Browse openings on the C3H Global job board and sign up as a C3H Explorer.
Checking references for a hire?
Use our reference check guide, then post your opening with the Recruiter role.
Prepping for interviews?
Read our guide to illegal interview questions and how to answer them.
This article is general information, not legal advice. Reference and defamation laws vary by state, and SHRM's reporting on state reference protections dates to 2018, so confirm current rules where you live. The Reddit account and the attorney's comments are described as reported and reflect her perspective. If you're unsure what you can share, check your employer's policy or speak with an employment attorney.
Sources
- U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, "Enforcement Guidance: Preemployment Disability Related Questions and Medical Examinations." eeoc.gov
- SHRM, "Can Employers Give a Bad Reference for a Former Employee?" February 28, 2018. shrm.org
- Employment attorney commentary, "These Job Interview Questions Could Get Employers in Trouble," YouTube. youtube.com
